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Blockbuster stars give lackluster performances

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With a job as a film critic, bad films go with the territory and I have seen my share. I too often sit in dark theaters longing to either run screaming from the building or for an innate ability to go catatonic on demand, but I stay. I feel it’Äôs only fair to see a film ’Äî no matter how mind-numbing ’Äî to its bitter end. Most recently, I endured two real stinkers: ’ÄúStep Brothers’Äù and ’ÄúThe Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor.’Äù Had I not driven all the way to south Austin for the first, I would have left, and I only stayed for ’ÄúMummy’Äù because my grandson and neighbor were my guests. Miserable!

After his last several films, I have come to regard Will Ferrell with the same disdain that I do Ben Stiller. Very few actors rub me wholly the wrong way and for ages the honor lay exclusively with Stiller, but Ferrell is biting at Stiller’Äôs heels for my worst comic actor award. With a few exceptions, both men tend to choose garbage scripts and ultra stupid movies. Now, however, Ferrell is dragging one of my possible ’Äúformer’Äù favorites, John C. Reilly, down the comedy crapper with him in his latest film. ’ÄúStep Brothers’Äù is a story of two reluctant step brothers, who do little more than say stupid and disgusting things and destroy their parents relationship, home and lives.

’ÄúStep Brothers,’Äù rated R for despicable language and situations, also stars Richard Jenkins ’Äî with whom I fell in love with in ’ÄúThe Visitor’Äù ’Äî and Mary Steenburgen. To them I say, ’Äúshame, shame on you both, for choosing to take part in what I consider one of the more asinine, repulsive and pathetic showing in quite some time.’Äù I feel certain, for a while at least, throngs will waste money on it, but once word gets around, I’Äôm equally sure attendance will plummet. For the drunk, stoned or moronic, there may be some entertainment value, but for audiences with even an inkling of sense, the concept of two 40-year-old men still living at home, with no goals, no obvious level of intelligence and no redeeming qualities whatsoever, offers absolutely nothing of any worth. Neither my husband ’Äî who incidentally typically enjoys mindless, potty-humor-filled films ’Äî nor I so much as snickered even once. In fact, my man got up and left, choosing instead to read a paper in the theatre lobby. I stuck it out until its pathetic final scenes, fighting the desire to either bolt or be sick. Fortunately or unfortunately, I did neither. I am placing an F- in my grade book, because there is nothing lower.

This brings me next to ’ÄúThe Mummy,’Äù a film that that has Brendan Fraser ’Äî currently also in theaters in ’ÄúJourney to the Center of the Earth in 3D’Äù ’Äî reprising his role as retired adventurer and mummy hunter Rick O’ÄôConnell. O’ÄôConnell, along with his wife Evelyn (now played by Maria Bello), is tricked back into service to combat the resurrected Han Emperor (Jet Li) in an imbecilic epic that spans from the catacombs of ancient China high into the frigid Himalayas, complete with battling yetis. Rick ’Äî who is played by a 39-year-old actor ’Äî is accompanied on this all-new adventure by son Alex (newcomer Luke Ford ’Äî who is 27 years old) and Evelyn’Äôs brother, Jonathan (John Hannah, also from the previous ’ÄúMummy’Äù films). This time, the O’ÄôConnells must stop a mummy awoken from a 2,000-year-old curse who threatens to plunge the world into his merciless, unending service.

Right off the bat, the fact that the O’ÄôConnells would have been 13 or younger when their son was born is never addressed, but Rachel Weiss had the good sense to bow out of the franchise before this latest fiasco’Äôs first cameras started to roll. I liked the first ’ÄúMummy.’Äù Sure it was silly and overly campy, but the material was fresh, the special effects strong and the cast seemed to have a great deal of fun. Fraser, as I noted in my ’ÄúJourney to the Center of the Earth’Äù review, has limited range as an actor, which typically works for him, but not in this film. He ’Äî fluctuating between buffoon and action hero ’Äî and Bello (donning an acceptable British accent) do their best with the poorly manufactured dialogue, but neither the actors or the jokes ever really hit their mark. And while I am discussing the writing, which was penned by Alfred Gough and Miles Millar, I can’Äôt help but point out that here is not much of a story at all and what little is there is contrived at best. Worse yet, this tale lacks any semblance of the campiness that made the first ’ÄúMummy’Äù film somewhat entertaining. The film runs long for its type and it certainly feels tediously time-consuming at some points. (Gough and Millar did write one slightly amusing line, offering it in the opening sequences, where they pun about Bello’Äôs replacement of Weiss.)

Jet Li’Äôs presence is purely superfluous, since for most of the film he’Äôs hidden by CGI and hardly says a word ’Äî none in English anyway. He and Michelle Yeoh, like the rest of the acceptable cast, cannot make up for the terrible script. For that matter, the special effects and action scenes, while sort of interesting ’Äî at least to my four-year-old grandson ’Äî demonstrate nothing new and just don’Äôt offer enough to save this mess of a movie.

The only recent films I would rather see less (again), are the above-reviewed ’ÄúStep Brothers’Äù and ’Äú10,000 B.C.’Äù I am placing an F- in my grade book. Again, there is simply nothing lower. Frankly, the PG-13 ’ÄúMummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor’Äù would get a negative 10 on a scale of 1 to 10.

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